North Star Parenting is based on a simple premise – to help your child be happy and healthy. It’s simple, yes, but not easy to execute.
The external pressures that turn gender exploration and identity into a political and social football are one part of the challenge. Another one, that can be just as powerful, is ourselves.
Most parents want what’s best for their children. Most of us would say that we are already working towards “happy and healthy”. But when our child departs from the usual path, are we really prepared to help them navigate this?
The framework that North Star Parenting offers is based on parents exploring their own beliefs and assumptions. We bring ourselves to parenting – we can’t help but do this. We are people who have ideas, beliefs, hopes that were created in the environment we were raised in. And now, we’re raising our own children.
In order to fully listen to our child, to make sure that we are really hearing what they’re saying and understanding what will make them happy and healthy, we need to look at ourselves analytically.
Parents will have many feelings around gender. Even liberal, progressive parents can have feelings that they may label as “negative”. And many parents just don’t have any concept of gender at all, and don’t understand what their child is doing – or why.
A good starting place is to just let yourself feel emotions around your child exploring gender. What do you feel? How does this idea make you feel? There are no “good” or “bad” emotions – just feel them.
Next, you can start to dig into the why behind the feelings. Maybe you feel upset when your son wears nail polish because you’re worried about what your father will say. Talking through these feelings can be done with a therapist, friends, a support group – but not with your child.
Why? This is your journey. And you are their parent. You are the source of unconditional love to your child. Telling them you don’t want to see them dressed “like that” can feel like you’re pulling back on your love.
Parental self-reflection is an essential component in the journey of supporting a child exploring their gender identity. Self-reflection enables parents to navigate your own emotions, biases, and expectations, ultimately influencing how you support your child through their gender exploration.
As you explore your own feelings, you’ll be better able to engage with your child’s needs and experiences positively. Understanding ourselves is key to supporting our children effectively. It allows us to truly listen to their needs, without the veil of our own biases, experiences or expectations coloring them. And this permits us to make decisions that center our child, and keeps the focus on ‘happy and healthy.”